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People I like | Dan Savage
A JOURNALIST WRITES ON AN INTERVIEW WITH RICK SANTORUM'S DAUGHTER but tell the homophobe that you will need to verify the existence of her gay friends because you’re a journalist, not a stenographer. ... ABORTION A seven year old boy died in America from toothache. In the same America that is pro-life as long as you are jammed in your mother's womb. ... SLEEPING WITH A PERSON WHO IS A MONTH UNDER AGE, NO! But if you do! An older person can, in good conscience, sleep with a younger person provided the older person obeys the Four Big Nos of Sleeping with a Young, Inexperienced Person: 1. Tell no lies. 2. Transmit no diseases. 3. Make no babies. 4. Break no hearts. ... POLYAMORY, LOGIC FAIL MONOGAMY When the non-monogamous relationship falls apart, everyone blames non-monogamy. When a monogamous relationship falls apart, nobody blames monogamy. ... STONEWALL / SOWETO '76 The best way to fight invisibility is by... materializing! ... BIGOTRY IS BIGOTRY, STAND UP FOR OTHER MINORITY GROUPS Color me intolerant, but I don't think a member of one oppressed minority group—that would be you, WORD—should be bouncing on the dick of someone who endorses hatred directed at members of other minority groups. ... IS BEING GAY A CHOICE? "You think being gay is a choice? Then choose it: Suck my dick. Show me how it's done. You choose it - suck my dick - right now, and I'll videotape it, and then we'll put the proof that being gay is a choice on the internet for the whole world to see. Deal?" ... DAN GETS GROSSED OUT! What do I think? I’m thinking—and hoping and praying—that this letter is complete bullshit. And I think I’m gonna go boil my laptop after writing this response. And I think I’m tempted to forward your e-mail on to the police. ... 'PERVERTS' THAT TURN OFF THE MISSIONARIES Like the perverts who fill you with that there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-fuck-I feeling, TID, you like what you like. ... EVEN EARLOBE HOLES ARE FUCKABLE As a general rule, HWSH, if it can be fucked, someone out there somewhere is fucking it, has fucked it, is about to fuck it, and has already posted videos of them fucking it on XTube. Not every hole gets a “community,” HWSH, but every hole gets its fair share. ... DAN ON GOD I want to thank everyone for (offering me solace that someone let me know that God hates me and is going to send me straight to hell) - and I mean that sincerely - but someone telling me that God hates me is about as hurtful as someone telling that the Blue Fairy thinks I look fat in these jeans. (“Really? She does? Thanks, I really needed to hear that - now I’m gonna go sit on the other side of the subway car and silently ask the Blue Fairy for fashion guidance, okay?”) ... NANCY ELLIOT, POLITICIAN AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE Nancy Elliott wants to ban same-sex marriage in New Hampshire — where it’s been legal for less than three months — and here’s her reasoning: “We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement." .... STICKING IT TO THE ANTI-SODOMY THEREFORE ANTI GAY MARRIAGE BRIGADE Nancy Elliott, a state representative in New Hampshire, wants to ban same-sex marriage in that state—where it’s been legal for less than three months—and here’s her reasoning: “We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to think … would I allow that to be done to ME?”
Where to begin? How about here …
If you’re wiggling your penis around in excrement when you’re having anal sex, Representative Elliott, you’re doing it wrong. You would think this would be obvious even to people who’ve never had anal sex, but apparently not. So let me break it down for you, Representative Elliott: You don’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason you don’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food. It’s messy and no one wants a mess. (Except for the people who do want a mess, of course, but they’re a blessed rarity.) An empty, douched, and lubed anal cavity isn’t that much dirtier than an empty, flossed, and brushed oral cavity. I will concede that excrement is for anal what Representative Elliott is for the New Hampshire State Legislature: a PR disaster. But excrement-free anal sex is easy. Make sure there’s some fiber in your diet, be regular, and only go for it when you’re empty and you’ll never get excrement on a single wigglin’ dick.
And now a question for you, Representative Elliott: Are you really sure you want to make it illegal for buttfuckers to get married?
“According to a 2005 survey conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,” a commenter whom I’m going to quote at length (hey, Baconcat!) wrote on a blog in reaction to Elliott’s remarks, “Some studies put the incidence of anal sex in the heterosexual population as low as 24 percent and some as high as 56 percent. Averaging those numbers, let’s say 38.8 percent of heterosexuals engage in anal sex. Ninety-six percent of Americans are straight. There are 190,000,000 adults between the ages of 18 and 65 in the United States, so that means 70,771,200 adults are engaging in heterosexual anal sex. Four percent of the adult population is gay, or 7,600,000 people. Roughly half—3,800,000—are gay males. Polls indicate that between 55 and 80 percent of gay males participate in anal sex. Taking the average—67.5 percent—that means the number of gay men having anal sex comes to 2,565,000.”
Math is hard, Representative Elliott, but see if you can’t wiggle this into your cranial cavity: 70,771,200 is more—a whole lot more—than 2,565,000. Anal sex in America is primarily a heterosexual pursuit. So if you really want to protect the sacred sanctity of marriage from the unholy taint of penises wiggling in rectums, Representative Elliott, you need to ban straight marriage first. (We needn’t protect marriage from lesbians, of course, because lesbians don’t have anuses.)
And later in the same column, to a woman who loves anal but her husband's cock is a bit large - what must she do to get it in there: Take your time, don’t rush things, and thanks for being one of the 70,771,200 straight people out there who prove every day that you can have anal sex and access to legal marriage, too. ... WHAT DAN THINKS IS THE WORST OF THE WORST It's not like you're into shit or choking or Christian side hugs. ... A RAPIER ANALYSIS OF A VENGEFUL WOMAN, LACED WITH SARCASM A: Gee ... it must have come as a real shock when you realized that a man who was capable of cheating on his live-in girlfriend was also capable of cheating on the girl with whom he was cheating on his live-in girlfriend. No one could've predicted, huh?
On to your question: I hate to think of some poor woman marrying a cheating piece of shit (CPOS) — a CPOS is not to be confused with an honest nonmonogamous dude (HND) — in ignorance of his cheating-piece-of-shit-ness. It's possible that the CPOS's fiancee already knows and has forgiven him; perhaps one of those ultimatums touched on cheating. But odds are better that this woman doesn't know, and someone really ought to clue her in before the wedding. But should that person be you?
I'm not comfortable with your motives, OOMOW. You may be known throughout the universe as a "good girl" — as the good girl — but your actions prove that you're something of a "bad girl." And there's more: Your desire to destroy your FWB's relationship proves that you're something of a "vindictive girl," your attempt to pass your vindictiveness off as concern for a woman you've repeatedly wronged proves that you're a "self-deluding girl," and your desire to accomplish all of this without paying any price yourself — you don't want to out yourself or risk ruining your "friendship" with the man-whore — proves that you're a "selfish girl" and a "cowardly girl."
Back to your motives: The reason you want to do this anonymously is because your top concern is having the CPOS all to yourself, and that means sticking a knife in his current relationship without leaving any fingerprints. So it's a good thing — a useful thing — that you weren't the only "other woman" in his life, OOMOW, because he'll never know for sure which one of his other women ratted him out.
Setting your highly suspect motives aside ...
If I were in the fiancee's shoes, I would want to know what was going on before the wedding. So I do think you should tell her. But if you have any shred of decency — even the tiniest bit — you will tell her personally, apologize profusely, and provide her with some proof. An anonymous tip won't cut it: A CPOS who has successfully hidden a collection of other women from his fiancee will be able to talk his way out of an anonymous accusation of infidelity. He'll either claim the e-mail was sent by a vindictive ex-girlfriend of his, which has the benefit of being very nearly true, or he'll claim that an ex-boyfriend of hers is trying to destroy her happiness.
Finally, OOMOW, why do you want to be with the CPOS? He cheated on his fiancee, he cheated on you, and he probably cheated on the women who he was cheating on the both of you with. He's a piece of shit, his fiancee is a fool, and you're a vindictive, self-deluding, selfish coward. I'm not sure if you can all do better, or that any of you deserve better, but I do think you should all try. ... BAD RELATIONSHIPS This relationship needed to end; it wasn’t making either of you happy. Think of it this way: You slammed your car into a brick wall and totaled the thing. But it was a lemon, SLUT, and now you’re free to get yourself a new ride. ... A WOMAN TRYING TO CONVINCE HERSELF SHE'S A VIRGIN Backstory - a woman goes with a man to a hotel, he does her with a vibrator and doesn't take her clothes off. She argues that's not sex and the guy writing wants to believe her. Dan responds:
Let’s say you and I met in a bar, DEFINE, while the wife was out of town, and we hit it off. And let’s say I took you home, stripped you naked, made out with you, sucked your dick, ate your ass, spanked you, tossed you in a sling, fist-fucked you, and then—with my right arm buried up to my elbow in your ass—slowly stroked you with my left hand until you blew a massive load all over your stomach, chest and face.
Now let’s say I taped the whole thing and emailed a copy to your wife. I think it’s highly unlikely that your wife would turn to you after watching the video—remember: I don’t get naked, you never see my dick—put a hand on your knee, and say, “Well, I’m glad you didn’t have sex with Dan Savage.” ... ON GAY MARRAIGE "Marriage is a vital social institution," the reading began. "The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition."
So touching, so true, and so universal — who could argue with those sentiments? Everyone at the wedding was nodding. And the reading continued...
"It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a 'civil right.' Without the right to choose to marry, one is excluded from the full range of human experience."
After the reading—which was done by a gay friend of the couple — the officiant identified the source: It was from the 2003 Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court decision that legalized same-sex marriage in that state. It was a lovely gesture: The gay couples at the wedding were touched and the hetero couples were reminded of the injustice that gay couples face. It would be wonderful if this passage from the Massachusetts court's ruling on marriage equality caught on as a wedding reading, HTRC. The gay people in the pews will be touched, and with any luck, any straight guests who oppose marriage equality will take a moment to reconsider their positions. At the very least, they'll know where the bride and groom stand. ... BALLS CAN ONLY EVER BE IN BOYS' COURTS Lob your balls into your friend’s court, SEFOG, and see what he says. ... FINE DISTINCTIONS TO BE MADE CONCERNING POLYAMORY Cheating piece of shit (CPOS) is not to be confused with an honest nonmonogamous dude (HND) ... STEAK AND BLOWJOB DAY ... TAKE A DASH OF RELIGION... ... THE ART OF SARCASM ... THE FLUIDITY OF WOMEN'S GENDER IDENTITY IDENTIFICATION ... SEPARATING OUT THE ISSUES ... PEEING HORMONES IN YOUR MOUTH ... GOOD TO KNOW .. I AM LONELY, HOW CAN I MEET A MATE .. WHY WON'T HE BOTTOM? .. PEGGING FIRST BASE
REJECTION ... ZIT-POPPING ... MARRIED TO WOMAN, WANTS TO WRITHE IN NYLON WITH ANOTHER GUY ... SMELL ... LOW LIBIDOS ... WHEN 18 YEAR-OLDS DISCOVER THE CLIT ... DYKEATTACK ... HIV DISCLOSURE ... FEAR OF SWIM CAPS ... OPEN MARRIAGE Open marriages work, TTFH, but only sometimes—just like, um, what are those other things that only work sometimes called again? Oh, right: closed marriages. ... MASTECTOMY But you can't get over it and she sees her new body—and perhaps the victory over death symbolized by those scars—as more important than your shared sex life. So you're at an impasse and the standard advice for couples at an impasse—compromise—just won't cut it. ("Maybe just one implant, honey? The left one was always my favorite....") ... THINGS YOU OWE YOUR PARTNER Where we part ways, PST, is the "owe" issue. I happen to believe that we owe our sex partners a few things. Good personal hygiene, for starters, followed by a sense of humor, a willingness to meet our lovers' needs, and cleanish sheets. Someone who's unwilling or incapable of meeting a partner's needs owes 'em permission to get those needs met elsewhere—safely and responsibly, within reason, and on a budget. ... DON'T USE MEN TO MAKE BABIES WITHOUT TELLING THEM Thanks for loving my brain, E., but I'm hating your ass. Not only is what you're planning to do unfair to your boyfriend—who, just like a woman, has a right to decide when, whether, and with whom he would like to reproduce (and who, like most men, needs to be more proactive about birth control to protect his right to make that decision)—it's hugely unfair to any "brat" unlucky enough to drop from your twat. ... MARRIAGE - SHOULD GAYS 'BE ALLOWED' TO MARRY (Courts) have found that my son’s parents have no right to marry, but what of my son’s right to have married parents? A perverse cruelty characterizes both decisions. The courts ruled, essentially, that making my child’s life less secure somehow makes the life of a child with straight parents more secure. Both courts found that making heterosexual couples stable requires keeping homosexual couples vulnerable. And the courts seemed to agree that heterosexuals can hardly be bothered to have children at all — or once they’ve had them, can hardly be bothered to care for them — unless marriage rights are reserved exclusively for heterosexuals. And the religious right accuses gays and lesbians of seeking 'special rights'. ... CHEATING You may have grounds to seek sex outside your marriage—your potential sex buddy, with her "nonexistent" sex life, has better grounds than you do with your "infrequent and uninspired" sex life—but grounds don't make cheating not cheating. So long as you're married, it's cheating, LDS, because you're, like, you know, married. And for the record: I've never "implied" that married people unjustly deprived of sex have a right to seek it elsewhere. I've hammered away at that point, year after lonely year. I have no talent for insinuation, LDS. But a married man with a sex buddy on the side is an adulterer, full stop. So get the wife something nice, huh? ... MAKE THE FIRST MOVE You are bi poly woman—hear you rawr! Sorry, POLY, but I've fried oysters with more spine. ... DOM SUBTLETIES It could be that instead of just coming out and saying, "I like to be dominated," she's saying, "My ex liked to dominate me." ... DYKES WHO WANT TO STOP FUCKING THEIR HUSBANDS Readers: We all know the dyke-in-denial who puts on a ton of weight to create distance between herself and the male partner she thought she loved and no longer wants to have sex with. So now I've realized that she's just not who I want to be with anymore. And now I face having to be honest with her. And thus I am again prostrate at your feet, and ask of you: How the fuck do you break up with someone over this? Spineless Dan: Maybe you could tell her that she's a lesbian. ... KARMIC RULE OF KINK "Dump the honest foot fetishist," goes the Karmic Rule of Kink (KROK), "and you will marry the dishonest necrophiliac." ... MANIPULATION TECHNIQUES What does your boyfriend get by extending this conversation endlessly? Here's what: By pretending to feel insecure, your boyfriend gets a girlfriend who actually feels insecure. He gets a girlfriend who feels like she's always on probation, a girlfriend who is always at an emotional disadvantage. And then he gets to point to your one flaw—your bisexuality—as an excuse to never wholly commit to you. ... GIRLS' RIGHT TO SEXUAL FULFILLMENT As for feeling like a pedophile, HB, there's nothing pedo about a 19-year-old bi chick in Disney-princess underpants. A little girl in those panties is innocent and darling. A sexually active 19-year-old in those panties is ironic and daring (...) So when your boyfriend eats your pussy through a pair of your new Disney underpants—when he filters your vaginal secretions through an image of Jasmine or Ariel or Belle—he will not only be helping you assert your right to sexual fulfillment despite your mother's disapproval, HB, but helping you deconstruct a patriarchal heteronormative discourse that reifies female purity and holds up female undergarments as moral status markers. ... WHAT IS LOVE (1) Love is making out with someone after you've blown a load on his/her face. (2) You know you're in love when you're eating breakfast in a restaurant together the morning after he/she blew a load on your face and you suddenly realize that you didn't wash your face when you got out of bed that morning and you don't care. (3) You know he/she is the one when he/she realizes that you've just realized that you're eating breakfast in a restaurant the morning after he/she blew a load on your face and you didn't wash your face when you got out of bed that morning and he/she smiles, leans over the table, and gives you a kiss. ... SHOULD PEOPLE STAY TOGETHER FOREVER The serial model of long-term relationships has arrived. We can refuse to give it a hug but people aren't going to feel obligated to stay in crappy marriages for the rest of their lives as a result. Once upon a time—before antibiotics and effective medical care and exploding life expectancies—people were willing tough out a bad marriage, in the hopes that the next cholera outbreak or influenza epidemic carried off that hated spouse. Those days are over, gone, pffft. ... SNEAKY CONDOM REMOVAL He’s an abusive douchebag, and you’re well rid of him. Here’s hoping his next girlfriend takes proactive steps to make sure the condom stays securely on—I’d suggest staple-gunning the thing in place. ... FUN FOR BOTH, NOT FUN FOR ONE Tell him what you’ve told me: you’ll deny him orgasms regularly, but you intend to make him come regularly. Because it’s what YOU want. ... SAVE WORDS But to prevent him from “topping from below”, IPEG, tell him that using his safe word ENDS the scene and the sex. If he uses his safe word, you get up, clean up, go to bed, give each other a kiss, and talk things over later. That way he won’t use the safe word to edit, i.e., it won’t be a tool he can use to boss you around while you’re topping him. ... ETIQUETTE FOR THREESOMES Then you should offer to the third to stay the night. But no third worth inviting back will accept. A good third knows to say thanks and get out—or eat it and beat it—so that his hosts can decompress, check in with each other, and resume the open, flagrant, unself-conscious farting that characterizes all long-term relationships. ... MINDBINDING FOR GIRLS Dancer Boy knew you weren’t interested but sensed that you, like many young women, were socialized to be polite and deferential to men and knowingly manipulated you into a situation that made you feel uncomfortable (...) And if the same guy attempts to pull you onto his ass after you’ve given him the stop-stand-stare “NO,” GISE, do all women everywhere a favour and kick him in the nuts. ... WHAT? BOMBS Nothing shrivels the ol’ dick quite as quickly as the “What?!?” bomb. There the guy was, boned for you, and he was brave enough to put his desires out there, to make himself vulnerable (which is what the ladies are always saying they want, right?), and you lobbed the ol’ “What?!?” bomb at him and made him feel like a freak (...) So here’s what you missed out on, RIT: a safe and unique sexual experience with a guy who isn’t afraid of his own desires but is, it seems, too easily spooked by the odd “What?!?” Who knows? Maybe he was “the one”, but your reaction to his kink prompted him to go off in search of more indulgent, less sex-negative partners. ... ACCIDENTAL SHITTER But when you're fucking ass, shit has to be regarded as a "known known." The accidental shitter, however, owes the shittee the courtesy of being appropriately mortified; the shitter should also quickly assume all clean-up duties (oral doesn't count); and if the shittee is being cool, the shitter should thank the shittee for not making a big deal about it. Based on this girl's actions, SSBB, I'd say she was blind drunk, utterly clueless, into shit, or all of the above. Whatever her malfunction, SSBB, wipe her from your phone's memory. ... RAPE FANTASIES First, no safe word? (...) While some rape victims—excuse me: survivors—develop rape fantasies, those fantasies are paradoxically about control; the “victim” in a fantasy rape scenario gets to pick her “rapist”, decides the hour and circumstances, and can call a halt to it at any time. A rape role-play scenario you can’t stop when you decide you’re done isn’t just a rape role-play scenario. It’s potentially rape. Just say no. ... BLACKMAIL RESPONSE Your aunt can use your husband’s status as a transman as a club – a beat-you-with club, not a golf-and-cocktails club – only as long as you’re not being fully truthful about it, which is sometimes referred to as being “closeted.” Your only choice now is to get out in front of this, FTM. Tell your parents, tell your extended family – tell them now (perhaps in a letter), tell them why you didn’t tell them then (not relevant, none of their business), and tell them why you’re telling them now (aunt so-and-so is a ripe, royal cunt). ... DAN KNOWS I might be inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt and declare you the wronged party here, SHEESH, but your having carried this dispute into a column that you know she reads tips me over to her side. By writing to me, you’re not just seeking the last word, SHEESH, but hoping to have the satisfaction of seeing this woman dressed down in public. So while you were careful to submissively capitalize all those third-person pronouns—as if She Herself were God Himself—your letter leads me to believe that, in person as in print, you’re a disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative piece of shit. ... A RELIGIOUS HYPOCRISY: HOMOSEXUALS HAVE NO RIGHT TO MARRY A specific religious, politically-powerful Mormon in America said: "I have always held the belief that all people, no matter race, religion or sexual orientation, are entitled to equal rights." Except for when the religious should wield a veto over other peoples' civil rights. (He voted no on Prop 8. ... THE FAILURE OF ABSTINENCE EDUCATION According to a heavy-breathing report from ABC News, straight kids are having butt sex "to please a partner, to have sex without the risk of pregnancy, or to preserve their virginity." (...) Kids are telling researchers that anal intercourse, unlike the premarital vaginal intercourse they were warned about (STDs! pregnancy! eternal damnation!), CARRIES NO RISK OF DISEASE. (I can't wait to tell all my dead friends!) (...) So this is where abstinence education and homophobia have gotten us: Gay kids are having vaginal intercourse and straight kids having anal intercourse. Good work, sexphobes! ... REALTOUCH RealTouch simulates — somehow or other — the sensations of twats, asses, and mouths, according to its manufacturers. It can be plugged into a computer and synced up with porn clips so that it speeds up, slows down, grips, whatever, in time with the speeding up, slowing down, gripping, and whatever that you're watching on the screen. While I doubt a RealTouch is going to "make all of your fantasies come true" (unless you've always fantasized about getting your dick caught in a coked-up Dust Buster). (...) I'm not vouching for it. I'm also not remotely interested in trying out a first-generation RealTouch, because I don't want the thing going all Westworld on me with my cock jammed inside it. ... DELIBERATE MELAMINE POISONING BY CHINESE 2008 You didn't say which kind of Orajel you are using, but I hope it's not Orajel Advanced Tooth Desensitizer. Its active ingredient—created to treat sensitive teeth, not desensitize cock—is something called "2-hydroxyethyl methacrylate," which sounds like something you might find in baby formula that was made in China. ... INFEDELITY SANCTIONED You've made the kind of imperfect accommodation that allows many passionless but otherwise valuable marriages to survive. In a case like yours, FNM, infidelity can be the loving, responsible, marriage-salvaging choice. Stop feeling guilty. Enjoy. ... BODY-IMAGE FASCISM Bear culture (...) has shown itself to be just as susceptible to the body-image fascism that its earliest adherents claimed to be rebelling against. ... PAY FOR THE MILK If you don't milk the cow you married, your cow has the means to go out and find someone who will. If you're fine with that, for God's sake tell your cow. ... CHURCH AND STATE ARE NOT SEPARATE Church and state are not separate; therefore any change in civil law is seen as an assault on religious freedom. ... SHIT HAPPENS Wow to broach the subject? With a sense of humor. Sex can be messy, and shit happens quite literally sometimes—and not just to men. Women have assholes, too, and shit-stained panties are a documented phenomenon. Let him know that he tagged your sofa—try to smile when you say it—and then head to the nearest gay neighborhood to pick up some brown or beige bath towels. ... WHY HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A CHOICE There are nearly twice as many gay-identified men out there as there are lesbian-identified women. This fact alone is all the proof we need that homosexuality isn’t a choice. Considering what shits straight men can be—judging from my mail—surely more women would choose homosexuality if they could.
Source: City Pages and Village Voice and The Stranger (of which he is editor and advice columnist)
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